My reflection's getting clearer.
"More Like You (feat. Fjer)"
Written & Produced By: Tonedeff for QN5 Music (ASCAP).
Additional Lyrics by: Fjer
In the loneliest hour.
...And as I pushed back with seven years of strength
To clear my face of the pillow, I feel your weight
I remember the wet material ’s taste, threads drenched with spit and tears on the case
If he put me to rest, then it’s here that I’d lay
Just as my breath disappears, they peel you away, protesting and smearing your name
The resentment and fear and anger contained in your beer ridden gaze
Are etched in and seared in my brain, that memory’s clear as the day
You attempted to seal my fate
But I know that you love me.
Though you tried to drown your son with your sorrows.
You’d rather choke me than hug me.
I learned that I was promised nothing tomorrow.
You were so fucking ugly, that it gored my mind/
So I hate that your mug is looking more like mine
No matter how much I scrub, it’s getting worn by time
Isn’t the irony humbling?
Listen, I just don’t know how else I’m s’posed to say this
But I hated your guts through the 80's and maybe ‘91 at the latest
Don’t play it like this statement here’s belated
Cause, there is a type of pain that’ll stay with you way into later ages
And since anger is the stage that follows denial,
Well, this phase of bargaining’s how I can face you to blame you for these behaviors
You’re the basis for my values, though I’ve changed within
You still have to appraise the painting by the frame it’s in
And, the traces are paper thin. The saying is ‘blood is thicker than water’
Cause no one can strain or rinse off the sins of the father
A major difference from mothers sisters & daughters
We’re raised to live up to similar bars and yet one’s the signature product
So the pressure’s on you. “The stress is hard!” Cool.
The lessons start and they’re cruel. It’s a messy job, but you do it.
So, let’s be honest in full that we’d best acknowledge the truth
Our resemblance stopped when you ruined an immense part of my youth.
Talk when I'm through.
I live in the fear of -
reflections getting clearer.
As years go by, I see the proof.
I look more and more like you.
More and more like you.
Oh what a conquest! I’m everything you wish you could be.
You were always in conflict and distant, so resisting to speak
You’re an accomplice in bringing out the victim in me.
No matter what I accomplish - I’m still living with this glint of defeat
The issues that seem insistent on clinging from our history is ______
I was the kid you would beat, when pissed at my sisters for things
Admittedly, you exhibited clear cut chivalry, here in this scene
Couldn’t hit them women - who isn’t your seed.
Or whipping on me with a thick metal buckle because I had tripped up my niece
Or I misplaced a shoe when fitting to leave
Giving me grief, Military steeze discipline
grill to grill like a drill sergeant, bark on a six-year-old, rinse & repeat
or pinning my twisted addiction to sleaze
Begins with the pictures & zines you hid, as I leaped, the mattress slid underneath
Perhaps the 15 years it took you to visit jilted me,
Skipped the greeting, dipped and used my crib like a Hilton to sleep
For a night, oh that’s right, still pissed at my decision to flee
the difference between is and isn’t just in our genes
with limited means, neither quit and the ship didn’t sink
We’re living symbols of the immigrant dream.
Now, peep the rifts in our symmetry
Your story’s so tragic - On some Dickens shit you could lift from a page
You thought your father was absent. but your mother stole you off then shipped you away
And though you had no examples, And no authority figure to chase
You taught your son what a man was, even though you were lost, you’d spin in one place
bitter frustration became centrifugal rage as you flipped your shit for a chick
with 5 kids to her name, you overcommitted, filled up your plate
a way to fix what you missed in the case of family
A slave to decisions you made at 20 - now with an infant to blame
Driven insane. Quick to dismay. Drink yourself to a primitive state
I know how addictions limit the pain,
So, you get your kicks when you stray, It’s a vicious cycle decaying your platelets
So when you get sick it's your end of days
But it isn’t, your Mrs. nurses you back to existence, you’ve changed
A new beginning but your ambition’s the same
I wish you’d quit playing the victim, switch up the aim
Live for the day and then rage while it’s still in the tank
Listen to a son with no children to raise
A son who’s afraid that his image will mimic mistakes
A son who’s drifting in space, but inches away, fit with your face
Before this shit gets too late, then listen, this is my forgiveness in spades.
If you could, erase the things you’d said and done.
Would you? Or is your only answer to run?
Run from my childhood.
Run from your guilt.
See how you shattered me and buried yourself.
My silhouette has been cut from your past.
I will forgive you - as your face becomes my mask.
released July 8, 2016
Written, produced & performed by: Tonedeff for QN5 Music (ASCAP)
Additional Lyrics by: Fjer
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